Juice this Moment!

We go through life creating numerous plans, and doing our best, to achieve them. But in the process, we have to toggle between the past and the future. This causes us to go back and forth continually. The moment, in which we are operating, is often ignored, and we lose what is most important – connecting with the people present, or seeing the situation from a higher vantage point. Without the awareness of what we are losing in the moment, we could lose a lot more. This is being in the moment.

Without awareness, we operate from our Reptilian Brain which only has 4 clear choices:

a. FIGHT

b. FLIGHT

c. FREEZE

d. APPEASE

Or we operate from our emotional brain, which operates from FEELING. We need to get back to our best brain. The thinking brain. From this highest brain, we are able to see many more options. I believe, that the more options we have, the more power we wield.

The key for all of us is AWARENESS!

Can we really create more options?

Yes! We can! How? By being aware of the moment. We are aware, we operate from our logical brain. This is where we can see better, and hear more clearly. We can then use our power to analyze the situation and see what is the best approach we should use to get the most of it.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say you are a part of a group of like-minded people, and someone creates an issue within that group. What could you do …. to JUICE the Moment?

Lets look at 3 clear possibilities:

a) You could avoid the issue entirely, and be a fly on the wall, or a cat on the fence. This means you can avoid doing anything and hope the incident sorts itself out.

b) You can jump in and use your power of understanding and your power to influence, and you can suggest some way out of the issue that will cause the least collateral damage. This is the compromise formula, and it does work at most times.

c) You could decide to be the persons in the moment, and you could be neutral and fair, and you can offer your best suggestions, in the overall interest of the group. Most people do not realise that they are not in the group to be the peacemaker or the friend. When they are in a group, they should follow the ethos of the group. They should play the role of doing what is in the best interest of the organization or group. The long term interests of the group will be best served, when they do what is BEST for the group.

If we are citizens of India, we should look at situations, not from a partisan viewpoint, but from a viewpoint of what is best for the country. The group here is the biggest group that any of us will belong to. (Unless you take Chinese Citizenship. 🙂 We should also have the ability to stand up and share that viewpoint. In that moment, one of your friends or long term acquaintances may not like what you did, because it did not agree with their line of thinking.

But what is more important? Getting brownie points for yourself? Or helping the organization. If your decision could have long term implications for your your group, then you should do what is best for the org.

Sometimes its better to lose the small battles in order to WIN THE WAR. ~ Sun Tzu ~

So, by looking at the big picture, you not only build your own ability as a leader, but you help protect your organization. Juicing the moment is not about winning battles, but it is about doing your best to protect your image and your organization’s image. Doing anything else is playing at the wrong level.

In companies too, individuals lose a ton of credibility by playing to the present gallery. Look at it from a practical point of view. You are going to live for a long time more. Right? Are you not going to be a part of many other groups as you move ahead in life? Don’t you think any decision you take today, can affect your reputation tomorrow?

Remember Nothing lasts forever. Your friends or family may be on your side today, or they may be against you some other day. But if you look back and analyze… did you do what was best for your best self, or more so, what was best for the family? Did you do what was best for your avatar of tomorrow? Then you are credible and consistent… and you may have lost the battle. But what is most important.. is that you will WIN the WAR.

Are you playing the FINITE GAME…. or the INFINITE GAME?

Are you a FINITE LEADER… or an INFINITE LEADER?

It is easy to get drawn into the emotion of the moment, and you will have to face many such situations in life. You will face it in your spousal relationship. You will face it with colleagues or boss at the office. But in each and every relationship, if you can ask what is the best way for me to enjoy this moment? Your infinite mind should say… Don’t look for a win in the present moment. Squeeze what courage and honesty you have in you that will build your LONG TERM REPUTATION. Never settle for a present win at the cost of a long term loss. Better to lose the moment, so you can play from a better and a higher place tomorrow.

I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST!

Ian Faria

Corporate Trainer, Leadership Coach and Motivational Speaker.

RENEWING MASTER RELATIONSHIPS

However good your relationships are, there will be times when your relationships go sour.

At times, it may seem impossible to renew them. Yet, with the right approach and the right inputs and a warm heart, magic could still happen.

At times the pain endured and the amount of effort that may be needed, may not be worth the benefit that may accrue.

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Renewing Relationships

ANALYZE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS FOR EFFECTIVENESS

Relationships are important… and valuable. We invest time and effort in building and nurturing them. Naturally, we expect them to last for long…. if not forever. We are creatures of HABIT, and our relationships fall into patterns that we are most comfortable with. We will even master some of these relationships. No one wants to cut down a tree that is easy to maintain, and that bears good fruit. But, what if some of these tree moves away? What if you think that the fruit of that tree is now poisonous? What if that information someone has shared with you about the toxicith of the fruit does not have any truth to it/ What if that untruth spooked you anyway?

A million questions abound. Some of these may be triggered, by not the best emotional experiences of the past. Some may even be figments of our overactive imagination. Some may be a direct result of negative thoughts that have been replayed a million times in our mind. Scientists call this RUMINATION. In all these cases, it does seem like the cost-benefit analysis is counter-productive. But… only you will know which relationships need to be saved… and which should be summarily discarded. Business people refer to those decisions to discard, as CUTTING LOSSES.

BUT WHAT ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE WORTH SAVING?

The relationships that we cannot do without… or those we really need to save, will require a few key medicines or immunity boosters. Here are a list of some of the most efficacious of these:

a. Acceptance

b. Forgiveness

c. Respect

d. Trust

Lets analyze each of these.

ACCEPTANCE

This is the first attribute that we should work on in any relationship. Even the seasons change. People and situations change too. If you are going to judge the world by a harsh winter or a terribly hot summer, then the world will always fall short of expectations. So judge your relationships by what they bring to the table, and also by how important those relationships are to you, at this point in time. If they are worth working on, they should be worked on without any delay. Relationship is a two way…. or a multi lane highway. So if you think that the relationship can be controlled only from your end, you may be rudely awakened by the truth of rejection from the other side. What we should all accept and respect is that relationships that matter require some constant maintenance. The day you accept that your relationship has flaws, that need to be corrected, then you need to shift gears and get the changes in place, NOW. ACCEPT Responsibility for the fixing and the recalibration, and start the servicing at the earliest.

FORGIVENESS

Sometimes the other party may be at fault. Sometimes you may be at fault. The good thing is that the fault has been identified, and forgiveness forms the base for the restoration. When the base is fortified, we can begin to start the refurbishing process. One way in which we can discuss the irritants or the causes for concern, is to have an open mind, and that will only happen when you are not in pain. Pain is something that we cause more for ourselves through negative chatter… or rumination. Others can hurt us once. We can hurt ourselves multiple times… and over weeks, months or years. The longer we talk about or narrate our past hurts, the more files we create, and the more we curse the other. But… actually, that hurt is all within us. This is toxicity at its worst. I read somewhere that revenge is drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. Forgiveness is the antidote. Forgiveness liberates us from our self-imposed prison of past hurts and regrets. Life has moved on. So should you. After this, you have an option of building the relationship back through its primary tenets of RESPECT and eventually bolster it through TRUST.

RESPECT

Respect is a part of our DNA. We always look to learn from those who are ahead of the curve from us. This learning comes from knowing that the other is above us or ahead of us in some way. We start life by knowing that our mother/parents can feed us and make us comfortable. Our primary needs are met by someone else, and we build respect from that age. But as we get older, we also get smarter and more competent. Naturally we become more confident. We forget what our parents have done for us, and we start to think at some stage that we are ahead of the curve from them. At this stage, respect fades. It is replaced by disrespect and disdain. Sometimes, unfortunately it turns to contempt. At this stage a relationship is doomed, unless someone does something to revive it. Respect and Understanding based on the clean slate of forgiveness become a magic formula. But if the damage is too widespread, there may be need for outside intervention through counsellors or through close friends who can handle the parties to a relationship. In marital counselling, I have to use a ton of experience and tact to bring the couple back to building the bridge. Very often the children are the focal point for renewing the relationship. At this stage motivation or need to mend… is crucial to getting the parties to work together towards a greater cause. It is tough. But, when the intention is right, lots of goodness follows and the results can be magical.

TRUST

This is something that cannot be built overnight. It takes a long time to build. Unfortunately, like a crystal wineglass, one slip can shatter it into a million pieces. Just being aware of its vulnerability should be enough motive to keep us on the side of caution. Unfortunately, ego and some misplaced loyalties make us do things that we may regret forever. As a Relationship Counsellor and as a Leadership Coach, I put a lot of effort and attention to making people realize the importance of maintaining a good relationship. Sometimes I pus people to create a GREAT relationship. The effort we put into building trust will pay us rich dividends in the years ahead. Remember that Relationships are strong and forgiveness happens naturally when we enjoy the moments, and we do not analyse the slips. Relationships are fragile and give way when we focus on a past that none of us can change. The wine glass should be handled with care… if it slips… the pieces may shine individually, but the glass is gone forever.

FINALLY

No relationship is guaranteed to last a lifetime. Some will last for a reason. These are ephemeral and transactional. They come and go, and seem to be random occurrences. Some relationships may last for a season. We all gain from such relationships. Travelling together is a mutual benefit for all. But the relationships that supposedly can last for a lifetime… and the most high cost on maintenance, are the ones worth working on. If there is awareness of the cost of failed relationships, even better. I am sure that most of us have some regrets about past relationships that were good for us… but thankfully, we would have moved past them and we have learnt from them. So with all that learning behind us, we are duty bound to create a few choice relationships that will last for a lifetime. Towards that end… I wish each of you well as you build your Master Relationships that will last forever.

May your relationships make you a better version of who you are, and hopefully, the highest version of who could really be.

All the best!

Ian Faria.

WEBSITE: https://www.solutionz-in.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ian.faria

Linkedin: https://linkedin.com/in/ianfaria

Nurturing Important Relationships

While we almost fall into a relationships based on our needs, wants, desires or fantasies…. nurturing them takes a fair deal of work, tact and persistence.

Let’s find out what we can do to ensure that our relationships are safe and secure.

We owe it to ourselves to guarantee that our relationships work… every time.

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Nurturing Relationships

SO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO NURTURE A RELATIONSHIP?

Every Relationship is a living organism… and all living things need to be fed to sustain themselves and hopefully to make them grow strong. A relationship is no different. The foods that a relationship can thrive on are: Communication, Understanding, Respect and Trust. Let’s look at each of these attributes separately.

COMMUNICATION

Communication is the staple food for every relationship. The genesis for this need stems from our intrinsic need to connect as SOCIAL ANIMALS. The qualities that differentiate us in a major way from the other species are – that we can IMAGINE and we can COMMUNICATE. While our imagination has a life of its own…. and we may not be aware of how it operates, it is important to understand that the mind works in SAVE AS mode. This means that when we remember something, the mind does not open the original file. It creates a COPY of the original file, and it then stores it with a new file name. So if someone hurt you once, and you remember or talk about that incident 10 times, you now have 1 +10 files stored. Each with its own data… and added information. So while you were hurt once… you hurt yourself 10 times more. But the person you attributed the original hurt to… now has 11 hurts attached to his/her name, in the storehouse you call your mind. The mind is tremendous at BLAMING and MAKING EXCUSES. After all… How can we be wrong? Right?

What has happened in your mind… (10 new files) is now termed CHATTER, and Ethan Kross has a super book on this topic. Worth a read. That chatter is what I call Internal Dialogue or Self Talk.

Getting to what we normally term Communication – or to be more specific – Interpersonal Communication, no relationship can survive and be comfortable without this staple food. The first sign of a problem in a relationship is when the parties to the relationship reduce and eventually stop the communication. The best time to tackle the issue is when it is a bud. At any cost we should not allow this bud to bloom into a full blown flower, because that flower will soon wither and die… but the thorns will remain.

If we consider communication through another metaphor, Communication could also be looked at as a bridge that connects us as humans. For an important relationship that bridge should be built solid – if it required to last for more than a season. Remember… a relationship based on Communication can be nurtured easily. A relationship without communication is eventually doomed to die.

UNDERSTANDING

The primary purpose of communication is to understand the other person better. Understanding protects and re-enforces the bridge. It is not a weapon to dominate or convince. Nor is it a tool to win an argument or to assign blame. Communication should always be to UNDERSTAND, and to RESPOND appropriately. We often miss this portion of a relationship. This is like the VITAMINS or the PROTEIN required to bolster a relationship. Without it, we get some calories and we can maintain some of the energy levels, but we require the vitamins and the protein shakes to build the relationship into a strong entity.

Asking better questions, in a friendly, non-threatening way is the secret. Please note here… that while one party to the relationship may be upset and may raise the volume or show a more assertive tone, this assertiveness should not be mistaken for aggression. It could be ignored, or given some leeway, if the intention is to listen and find out what is going on in the other person’s mind.

Ask Better Questions. Ask questions from your point of view, using “I” Statements instead of “YOU” statements. For example. Saying YOU hurt me… may not be read properly. But, if you could say… I feel hurt when you did that…. is a better way to share your feelings.

RESPECT

Being in a relationship that matters, always remember that respect builds a cushioning or a shock-absorber in a relationship. Without this, much harm is caused, without even intending to cause harm. Interestingly, respect is in the receivers mind. So if you are trying to express or share your hurt or discomfiture in the relationship, your relationship partner may perceive your sharing as dis-respect. Once respect is damaged… it takes a lot more effort to bring the relationship back on track. Just being aware that the communication should be respectful is the responsibility of all the parties in a relationship. If there is doubt… always ASK QUESTIONS to CLARIFY… and then LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. Respect, if left un-repaired is like food that is rotting. It will eventually have to be thrown away. Using the food metaphor… better to keep the issue on ice… or better still FREEZE it… and thaw it only when you are feeling up to re-working the relationship.

TRUST

The only way to ensure that a relationship lasts for a long time… is to build TRUST into it. This takes the maximum amount of work, but believe me… it is well worth the effort. Sadly, as a counsellor I see marriages and partnerships break up because one side in the relationship took a unilateral stand and blamed the other for all the “damage done”. Like I said earlier… if the damage is in my head (or heart) isn’t it MY RESPONSIBILITY to repair the relationship? I can do this by asking for a discussion to resolve issues or metaphorically … to repair the bridge. Keeping score… or remembering past hurts is poison… and will eventually kill even the best of relationships. Again, from my experience as a counsellor… good marriages go down the drain because the partners in the marriage did not understand the dynamics of a relationship. Partnerships and Business Ventures too – suffer because of a breakdown in relationships. And in my opinion, every relationship in which the parties to the relationship are keen to work out a solution, can find that solution – either between the parties themselves, or with the intervention of a third party.

FINALLY

A good guide, counsellor or a coach could play a key role in sorting out relationship problems. But going to a friend who will offer a sympathetic ear, may actually cause more damage just by trying to be ‘supportive’. This only deepens the chasm that already exists, and is actually counterproductive for a strained relationship. So when things go bad… switch from the EMOTIONAL BRAIN to the LOGICAL BRAIN… and make up your mind to NURTURE rather than DISSECT and DAMAGE your important relationship. Getting help shows strength of character. It also shows that you TRULY VALUE your RELATIONSHIP!

I wish you all the best!

IAN FARIA.

Do check out my website… SOLUTIONZ

I am on FACEBOOK and LINKEDIN too.

Relationship Matters

PREAMBLE

Life is a series of unlimited, ever-changing relationships. Some of these are determined by the family we are born into. Some will be from a random selection called friends, colleagues or acquaintances. Some will be intense, but will be with us for the moment, or a short time. Some will travel with us for a lifetime.

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How do we determine which relationships are important?

Awareness is key, and healthy relationships definitely matter. Recounting why we got into those relationships may help to focus us on whether we need them now, or not. Is it time to check whether we have outgrown the need or the want for old relationships? Is it time to consciously look for new ones. The answer will be determined best by a combination of heart and head… or emotion and logic.

So how do we proceed?

It helps to analyze what we have gained from the past. It also helps to focus on the road ahead, for that is where we are heading. New people will enter our life, and we form new relationships. Some of them will test and challenge us. Some will fan our ego and make us feel great. Some will differ with us or offer diverse ideas, which we may oppose, or even challenge. Essentially we may need to put things down on paper and evaluate them from a cool head. Sometimes it helps to bounce ideas off people we know and trust. A confidant, or a coach or a wise family member may be required to close out such decisions. But … as with everything… the final decision should be ours and ours alone, for we reap the fruits of the seeds we sow.

We should constantly be aware that we need to focus, refocus, zoom in, zoom out…. till we perceive things without filters or biases. While we normally determine things using emotions as our guide, let’s not forget that we are also logical creatures, bestowed with analytical and planning skills. The decisions of today will impact tomorrow. Understanding and learning from the best of our emotions and logic, is more important than just categorizing and labelling our experiences. 

How do we make our best move?

Just remember that we do not see the world as it is…. but… we see the world as we are. Our biases and our emotions normally determine most of our decisions. But to get the best for ourselves, we man need to differentiate and determine the truth from our perception of it. The world we see, could be wonderful and empowering, or strange and challenging… friendly and inviting ..  or hostile and threatening,  depending on how we feel at the moment… or how we choose to perceive things.

FINALLY….

Let’s focus on our connections, and more importantly, our relationships… and figure out if the HEALING POWER OF CONNECTIVITY can help us stay safe… and well.

Perceptions and choices matter. They define our reality. They determine our future.

Ian Faria.

Visit my website.

Can you lead the INFINITE WAY?

Leaders are often plagued by thoughts of whether they should think of themselves first, or their teams? Should they choose a coterie and keep themselves safe? Should they focus on a succession plan and strive to get a bigger team so that they can protect themselves, and hopefully the team too.

But then again… we seem to be missing the major question of – Who takes care of the company’s interest?

That should be the Leaders first interest.

Then should come the team, and finally the leaders interest should be looked after. But that is the theory, isn’t it?

So who will try to balance out all these so-called WIn-Win actions is going to be a task that only High Class Leaders will be able to tackle.

IS THERE A LEADER WHO CAN PLAY THIS WIN-WIN GAME?

Yes… that leader will not be a Finite leader who we have come to respect and admire. That will need to be a leader who knows how to manage traditional leadership with a twist of Uncertainty and and Ambiguity.

It is time to look at a NEW TYPE OF LEADERSHIP!

We need an INFINITE LEADER who can successfully manage in a chaos driven Post-pandemic world.

ESSENTIAL QUALITIES of the INFINITE LEADER

1. WALK THE TALK

The traditional way of giving instructions and expecting people to follow them are quickly fading. Leaders now have to get onto the field and play the game. Non-playing captains will be shunned and will find it difficult for them to succeed. The best way to lead, is by example. A leader who has earned the stripes through dint of hard work, street-smartness and tact, will be in great demand.

2. COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY

In a complex, ever-changing world, communication is going to be the key to sharing information and understanding stakeholders. Misunderstandings should be avoided at all costs. The way forward is to hone communication skills to levels that were earlier thought to be the domain of those that studied in elite institutions or Ivy League Colleges. The important point to note, however, is that our LISTENING and UNDERSTANDING skills are going to be very valuable, specially when we have to read people at remote locations. Without the ability to pick up the vibe that we could possibly pick up on an in-person encounter, we will need to be intuitive too. Reading between and beyond the lines will also be a new capability to develop.

3. BE INNOVATIVE

We need to constantly create new ways to do things. But, we also have to keep honing old skills to become masters of that ability. If time is a constraint, then play smart and focus on the new skills. However, also be aware that there is no guarantee that the skill we are picking up will be of much relevance by the time we have become reasonably adept at it. Thankfully, just seeding the mind with the new skill, gives us insight and bandwidth that we may not have had earlier. The more we can learn and the quicker we can learn it, the better. Thanks to the internet, we can learn from experts around the world at a fraction of the cost that we would have paid in a Face to Face Learning experience.

4. STAY HEALTHY and FIT

Health is going to be one of our greatest assets, specially for a leader. Leading from the front, helps others find the role model and leader that everyone yearns for. Working from Home has taken a heavy toll on the psyche, it is essential to follow good routines and rituals including exercising mind and body… and Eating Healthy. With the amount of research being done around the world, and with Covid continuing to put pressure on us, we are all called to be at a peak health level. Getting to a hospital has its own set of attached risks and challenges.

5. Be an INFINITE LEADER in an INFINITE GAME

One cannot think of just the current issues and be happy that everything is hunky-dory. No one knows what challenge is lurking around the next corner. Being able to put things in perspective and being able to sift the grain from the chafe (or the signal from the noise) will also be high end skills that the infinite player needs to master. The important thing to note, is that we have to get comfortable re-setting our goals every now and then and making the changes necessary to be the best version of ourselves. Staying in a group that one can trust and open up to is another need of the Infinite Leader. Using collective intelligence and being able to infer and extrapolate with whatever data is available is what will differentiate the IL’s from the FL’s (Finite Leaders)

FINALLY

As we move ahead we will have to be Nimble in our approach; Agile in our thinking; Mind Readers and Fortune Tellers; and Alert to grab every opportunity where we feel we can make impact. There is no clear crystal ball, but with collective intelligence and a safety net of trust-worthy tribespeople, each of us is given a once in a lifetime to grow exponentially, and to be Eternal Masters of the Infinite Corporate Game.

Tact builds Diplomacy

One of our key attributes for success in the corporate world is knowing what to say, and knowing when to say it.

Sometimes we only get one opportunity to make a crucial point.

We need to be seen and heard. We are expected to be sure, of our facts.

We need to be assertive to ensure we are not insignificant or irrelevant. Yet, at times, we need to exercise restraint.

There is no clear formula for success, but there are a number of workable hacks. I am sharing below my answer to a question posted on Quora. Feel free to share this if you find it uaeful. Feel comfortable to add your views or to challenge my view/s. Lets build a better world.

Answer to How do I speak tactfully? by Ian Faria – Transformator https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-speak-tactfully/answer/Ian-Faria-Transformator?ch=99&share=ebaeece6&srid=xN7q

Become a Master Communicator

Answer to How can one improve his communication and presentation skills? What are some tips to do daily to improve and master it? by Ian Faria – Transformator https://www.quora.com/How-can-one-improve-his-communication-and-presentation-skills-What-are-some-tips-to-do-daily-to-improve-and-master-it/answer/Ian-Faria-Transformator?ch=99&share=865dd0aa&srid=xN7q